In the middle of a dark, dark tunnel
I had considered adding an asterisk to my post last month about knowing when winter break will end. Here’s what it almost said: I suppose it’s possible that something could drastically change in the next two weeks (knock on wood, spit three times, whatever it takes to avoid that!), but even in that case, I would argue that “winter break” will actually have come to an end, and we’ll be figuring out a whole new situation.
Well, things do look a little different now. And while I’m not taking back my assertion that winter break is over, I appreciate the way that new information (or, we might say, limited new information) drives a new wave of worry. Once again, we’re stuck in a place of not knowing. Or as this tweet puts it:
It feels like we’re very much still in the tunnel, and whatever light we thought we saw was a skylight or a waypoint.
My family traveled to Lava Beds National Monument this summer. I highly recommend this park: it was not the easiest to get to, but well worth the journey. We spent a few hours climbing in, around, and through caves (and one tunnel) carved by lava flowing from a volcano 10,500 to 65,000 years ago.
Let me tell you something about these caves: once you have climbed down the ladder and ventured a little past the starting point, if you choose to turn off your flashlight or head lamp, it is completely dark. As in, you can’t see anything, like not even in a “waiting for your eyes to adjust” kind of way. It’s a darkness that it’s hard to find unless you have access to a room with no windows, with no light peeking under the door, with no electronics flashing even the slightest bit. It’s scary to be in a place that dark. What might be in that cave with us? What if we can’t find our way out? But in those dark caves this summer, we had the comfort of knowing all we needed to do if we wanted some light again was to turn on our flashlights!
So, in our day to day life, how do we find flashlights to turn on when the tunnel starts to feel longer and longer? Whether the tunnel is covid or the tunnel is sleep training or sibling rivalry or getting your child into their car seat each and every morning. How do we find hope when we’re feeling hopeless? Confidence when we’re feeling defeated? Often in parenting and in life we’re told to “cherish the moment”. (My favorite parenting “feel good phrase” to complain about is: “the days are long but the years are short” – ask me about the time my 4-year-old effectively called me out on all my complaining about this phrase…)
I am not the person who is going to tell you to just look for the good because that’s never been helpful to me. It doesn’t make the tunnel any shorter. But I’m suggesting there are moments of light in the middle of the tunnel, and even when we can’t find them, we often have the power to turn on our flashlights. How?
Think about the winter solstice holidays (those we just celebrated in the Northern Hemisphere): many are about creating light during darkness - about light triumphing over dark, candles, lanterns, fire. This isn’t some brilliant observation: you already know this isn’t a coincidence. And what a gift that during these dark days we have traditions that train us to add light to our lives.
So first option, literally turn on a light. I say this as much for myself as for anyone else. You know how as the sun sets your eyes adjust gradually and you can end up in a totally dark room without even realizing it? Notice that. Turn on a light. Light a candle. Hang up glow in the dark stars.
More metaphorically, set yourself up for moments that bring some light into your day. This isn’t about “cherishing” the moment of darkness, though if that's what's for you, great. This is about turning on a flashlight. It doesn’t need to be Instagram ready, it just needs to be there, something you will see/experience without looking for it. Just like Christmas lights and decorations are everywhere in December. And guess what? You can do these things with your kids or without them.
Leave up your Christmas decorations. Or put them up again, before next November. (No joke, we literally had 2021 balloons in our window until Dec 31st.)
Decide on a word/phrase that will be a your “keyword” - and what funny thing you’ll think of every time someone says it. (A great one to choose is a word/phrase that you or your child misheard for a long time - like, for me, manila folders will always remind me of vanilla ice cream cones, and I’m not sure I will ever separate the words “hand” and “sanitizer” again since my kids started saying “hanitizer.” One of these tends to come up a lot more often than the other these days...)
Wear mismatched socks - or if you always wear mismatched socks, wear matched socks
Try wearing your underwear inside out. No one will know, but it will surprise you every time you go to the bathroom.
Buy a new flavor of toothpaste (throw it away if you hate it)
Put a “treasure” in your pocket (currently in my pocket I have a blue rubber band, a shiny white rock, and a piece of plastic that looks like something one of my children may have taken off of a playground structure. Hope that structure is still intact!)
Change your phone screen or your desktop background to the funniest picture you can find
Go old school and tie a ribbon around your finger. Or put on a non-boring bandaid.
You're probably doing some of these or your own version already. Send me an email and let me know what works for you!
We will eventually get closer to the end of the tunnel. Really. It may look different than what we’re expecting, it already does. But there will be more light when we get there.