Is it *really* OK to be scared on Halloween?
It’s Halloween time and though the traditional haunted house may be out again this year, there’s no lack of things to feel afraid of.
I thought about putting together a list like “10 Things To Say Instead of ‘Don’t Be Scared’” but most of the parents I interact with already know not to say “don’t be scared” and wouldn’t dream of invalidating their children’s fear feeling that way. The top of the list is “it’s OK to feel scared sometimes.”
But that got me wondering, do parents really think it’s OK for their children to be scared?
And what about for yourself? Do you think it’s OK for YOU to feel afraid? Are your own grownup fears allowed?
When we encounter something scary, our gut instinct is often to push away the scary thing, to make it go away or to run away from it, for our children and for ourselves. That can feel better in the moment - the fear is gone! But sometimes pushing the scary thing away actually makes that scary thing even scarier.
Pushing it away can also mean we're:
more likely to avoid the fear,
more likely to experience fear in a unsafe way,
more inclined to feel ashamed of fear,
more likely to feel our fear is invalid,
all leading us to avoid fear even more.
As important as validating the feeling is the next step of “what do we do with this feeling?” If I think my job as a parent is to make sure my children never feel scared, I have got a big task ahead of me! Instead, I think of this job as helping my children know that scared is a feeling. What they do with that feeling is something they get to control. And when they feel scared, I will be with them (literally or symbolically), that I will protect them from really scary things (the best I can), and that they can feel scared AND BRAVE at the same time.
What does that look like? “You’re feeling scared of the Halloween decorations - I get it, some of those decorations do make strange looking shadows. I’m glad you told me! You are being brave to share this fear. What else can you do when you feel scared? Hold hands? Great idea! I’ll hold your hand while we take a closer look at what we’ve got here.”
What does that look like for my own fears? Maybe, “I'm feeling scared for my child to be on that really tall slide. That slide is huge and I don't want to go up there myself! Is it TOO tall? What if they need help? What if they fall? Should I get them to come down? Should I turn away and hope for the best? Wait... I am BRAVE to acknowledge this fear. What can I do when I feel scared? Take a deep breath? Great idea! I'll take some deep breaths while I move a little closer to the slide and allow my child to continue exploring heights while I remember I can keep them safe."
The contradiction here is that we don’t always need to push it. If your kid is afraid of something that is not critical to their development - like watching scary movies, for example - you don’t need to force them into it, just as you don’t need to force yourself. Sometimes low stakes situations are a good time to practice skills; for other kids, there’s enough practice happening without them.
You know your child and yourself, and you can talk about when we need to push through our fears, even if they’re really scary, like when we must go to the doctor, get a shot or rest at night, or when we need to let our kids explore, and when we get to say “no thank you,” like being closer to a friendly dog or higher up a ladder than we want to be or watching scary movies or just - plain and simple - Halloween.
What fears (your own or your children’s) are you dealing with right now? Are they ones you need to push through or ones you get to say “no thank you” to? Let me know!